


A Matter of Perspective

by KingWatney



Category: The Avengers (2012), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Basically, F/M, Humor, M/M, everybody writes fanfiction
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-20
Updated: 2013-05-19
Packaged: 2017-12-12 09:25:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/809989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KingWatney/pseuds/KingWatney
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Various characters describe the events of Avengers in their own words.  Their own biased, not entirely truthful words.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Mighty Thor Saves Loki and they Live Happily Ever After

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this prompt from norsekink: http://norsekink.livejournal.com/11337.html?thread=26318153#t26318153
> 
> This is just a collection of very silly mini-fills.

As the human flying machine swept through the air like a giant metal eagle, the sky around it blackened with clouds. The air grew thick and tense, shivering with anticipation for his coming. For the gathering storm could sense the approach of its master – god of thunder, wielder of lightening, lord over the weather. The wind howled its glee and the rain poured down in joy. Then, with a dazzling flash and a booming crack of thunder, the Mighty Thor arrived! 

The humans, noble warriors though they were, cowered inside their metal contraption, buffeted by powers they could not possibly understand. Although none cowered more than the Trickster Loki, traitor prince, who knew in his twisted heart that punishment for his sins was at hand. As Thor, golden muscles rippling, tore open the metal container like parchment and strode inside, Loki bolted from his seat, unable to face the brother that he had so deeply wronged. Thor caught him easily, and Loki withered under his burning, righteous gaze. As the human warriors protested, not realizing noble Thor’s intentions to help them, Thor leapt from the flying machine and carried Loki out into the raging storm. 

Thor and Loki crashed into the rocks like stars falling from heaven, but there was not a scratch upon either – for the gods are not so easily injured.

“Where is the Tesseract!” Thor shouted. Although he longed to embrace his villainous, yet beloved brother, noble Thor knew that he must first put an end to Loki’s schemes. Climbing to his feet, Loki greeted his brother with a sneer. 

“Oh, I’ve missed you, too,” the trickster laughed, bitterness clouding what should have been words of joy. Mighty Thor’s mighty heart clenched in sadness and anger. Even after all of Loki’s crimes, he had mourned his brother with the depth and power of a boiling ocean of feelings. Asgard had been flooded for months as their Prince had poured down torrents of rain, standing in place of his manly tears, for the brother lost in the void of space. And now, to find that Loki was not only alive, but unrepentant and once again perpetuating his wicked mischief? Whatever madness had seized hold of Loki to turn him against the mighty Thor had burrowed its way into his core, rotting him from the inside. The God of Thunder was horrified that the once sweet and intelligent Loki had been transformed into this dark, twisted creature.

“Do I look to be in a gaming mood?” Thor demanded, the wind billowing out his golden hair and glorious red cape. But Loki had no appreciation for the fabulous Thor, or the gravity of the situation. 

“You should thank me. With the Bifrost gone, how much dark energy did the Allfather have to muster to conjure you here? Your precious Earth-“ Thor cut off Loki’s stream of nonsense, grabbing hold of him. 

“I thought you dead,” noble Thor pleaded, hoping that the truth of his grief – of his mighty and powerful love – would dispel the greasy sheen of hate that clung to the fallen prince. Loki was unimpressed. 

“Did you mourn?” he sneered, his cruel mockery stabbing at Thor’s great heart like tiny knives. Did he truly believe that he had not been missed? 

“We all did,” Thor protested. “Our Father –“ 

“ _Your_ father!” Loki cut off Thor’s words of kindness with a shove, which did not damage mighty Thor’s body, but did great hurt upon his spirit. “He did tell you my true parentage, did he not?” Thor’s mind whirled. Did Loki not understand that he was part of their family? Was it the revelation that he was a member of a defeated race long despised in Asgard and frequently described as lowly, monstrous beasts – was this what had driven Loki into madness? Thor had never realized that Loki was so sensitive. Thor racked his mighty brain, wondering how he could get Loki to abandon his imagined slights.

Before the Trickster could say another word, Thor pulled him into a powerful embrace, squeezing as if he could crush the evil out of wicked Loki with his brawny arms. Then he pulled back, his clear blue eyes staring into Loki’s poisonous green, one hand resting on the back of the Trickster’s neck in fraternal affection. 

“Don’t you realize that we love you? Your true parentage matters not to mighty Thor! Or to our parents! They have known your race all your life, and they have loved you just the same!” Something flickered in Loki’s wild green eyes – perhaps a glimmer of sanity returning? Thor dared not to hope. Loki shook his head, trying to pull away, but Thor held him with an iron grip of love. 

“No,” Loki babbled. “They have never loved me! They have always loved you more!”

“That is not true,” Thor pressed. “They have loved us both equally! Help me set this right, Loki! Come back with me to Asgard, and you will find only forgiveness!” Loki’s lower lip trembled in a womanly fashion, as his eyes filled with glimmering tears. 

“Thor, would they really forgive me? After all I’ve done?” Finally, the veil of madness was starting to lift from his eyes. 

“Loki,” Thor smiled magnanimously. “They already have.” Then the fallen prince threw his slender arms around his muscular brother, sobbing uncontrollably, his mental poison dripping out with his flowing tears. 

“Oh Thor,” Loki cried. “I’m so sorry. I have caused you so much hurt. I was just jealous of how awesome you are.” 

“There, there,” soothed Thor, massaging his back in a completely platonic way. “Someday, you can be as awesome as I am. Not right away, of course, but someday. Now, let us retrieve the Tesseract and set things right.” Thor did not cry, but the rain crashed down around him, expressing his manly joy. Loki pulled back to look at Thor, his streaming eyes now hardened and resolute with new courage. 

“Yes, brother, we will put this right. And then I will make up for all the wrongs I have caused you. I will take you to see your mortal lover, and then I will help fix the Bifrost, and I will bake muffins for you and all your friends – “ 

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“Um, Thor? What are you doing?” 

“What? Nothing!” Thor hunched his huge frame over the laptop, while Darcy ducked under his arm to catch a glimpse of the screen. 

“Thor, dude, you know that’s not how it really happened, right?” Darcy was starting to get a bit worried about the thunder god. He’d taken to this whole “writing as therapy” thing a little too enthusiastically, and now it was hard to pry him away from the laptop. Thor snapped the laptop closed, blushing red. 

“Aye, I know. This is not how it happened. It’s how it should have happened.” Thor heaved a long sigh. 

“Yeah, Erik and I are definitely taking you out for drinks,” Darcy decided, pulling Thor out of his chair.


	2. The Irresistible Iron Man

The moment seemed to last forever as the two foes faced each other, brilliant green eyes locked upon rich brown, the tip of the scepter pressed against Tony Stark’s sculpted chest in a gentle caress. Loki’s alabaster brow furrowed in confusion, his soft pink lips pursed in frustration. 

“I don’t understand, this usually works,” said the sleek and sinewy god, his voice like dark honey. He pressed the scepter against Tony again, when the handsome billionaire reached out and caught his wrist. Loki shuddered at the contact, at the strange sexual magnetism that seemed to radiate off the mortal, bathing the god in overpowering waves of desire. Tony Stark’s grip was surprisingly firm. 

“Baby, you don’t need that scepter,” Tony said softly. “You have already stolen my heart.” Loki felt his knees grow weak at the sound of the mortal’s incredible voice – he could tell that Tony Stark was a man of genius, but also a man of soft and tender passions. Loki felt as if his body were turning to water as Tony caressed him with his eyes. He was the most handsome man Loki had ever seen. His hair was dark and thick, his finely chiseled face showing maturity, but not yet touched with the evidence of age. His muscular body strained through the tight shirt and jeans that he wore. His height was exactly tall enough. 

“Are you a god?” Loki breathed, wondering how a mortal could possibly be so beautiful, so powerful and majestic. The genius billionaire chuckled. 

“No, baby, I’m just plain old Tony Stark.” Loki let the scepter clatter to the floor as Tony moved in closer to him. He let himself rest against the mortal – all his godly strength seemed to have fled. 

“What have you done to me?” Loki murmured, no longer filled with rage or hate or ambition, just a contented awe. And an overwhelming horniness. “Is this magic? Have you worked some kind of curse over me?”

“No,” said Tony, easily supporting the god’s weight. “You’ve come down with a case of Tony Stark. And I’m afraid the only cure is….more Tony Stark. Taken internally.” Loki shuddered again, with desire and anticipation. 

“Then cure me, Tony Stark, god among men. I shall abandon my plans of world domination. I only want you!” Loki cried.

“Gladly,” Tony generously agreed, clasping the god’s face and drawing him in for a long kiss in which he did really amazing things with his tongue. Loki moaned. 

Suddenly, both god and beautiful god-like genius looked up in surprise at the sound of the elevator. The door swished open, and out stepped Pepper Potts and the Black Widow. 

“Tony!” Pepper snapped, bosom straining against her constricting professional suit, thick red lips drawn in a pout. “What do you think you’re doing? How dare you start without us!” The Black Widow nodded in agreement, thrusting out one hip. Her skin-tight catsuit was already partially unzipped, showing promising glimpses of shapely flesh beneath. 

“You’ll have to be punished,” Natasha said, brandishing the riding crop she carried – 

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Tony stopped typing as he suddenly became aware of a shadow looming over him. 

“Oh god, please don’t let it be Pepper,” he thought as he frantically tried to close the Word file, wondering who had managed to sneak into his lab at 3 AM. Actually, Pepper was probably a better person to catch him than Natasha. Or Thor. 

The intruder reached over Tony’s shoulder and pulled his hand away from the touchscreen, leaving the file on display. Tony felt his stomach drop as he looked at the hand clasped over his – it was slender, pale, and masculine. 

“Don’t stop now, mortal,” whispered a voice in his ear. “Your little story intrigues me.” Tony considered his options. The Iron Man suit could come to him in a matter of seconds, but Loki was right behind him. And it didn’t help that Tony was incredibly drunk. 

“Shouldn’t you be in prison?” Tony asked, trying to put a little bravado into his voice. Loki made a scoffing noise. 

“As if the golden walls of Asgard could ever hold me. I am a shadow, Tony Stark. I slip through the cracks.” 

“Any chance of you slipping through a crack out of my lab?” Tony tried. 

“Oh no,” Loki purred. He reached over Tony to grab both of his wrists, placing them back on the keyboard. “I’m dying to know how this ends.” 

Tony heaved a deep sigh and continued typing, while Loki made frequent and insistent corrections, mostly pertaining to his flexibility and godly stamina. It was going to be a long night.


	3. Hawkeye's Haiku

Sneering god, blue light,   
Will erased, a hollow shell   
Loki’s such a dick.

Bird of prey soaring   
High above confining earth   
Hawkeye’s a good name. 

Deadly spider fights,   
Beautiful and dangerous,   
Natasha kicks ass. 

Punching through the air,   
Shafts of justice, straight and true,   
Gosh I love arrows.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

“Poetry, Clint?” Natasha said, raising an eyebrow as she looked at the papers scattered on his desk. 

“Oh, yeah.” The archer hurriedly swept them into a drawer, blushing slightly. “It’s part of therapy. Shield’s making me do it, you know.” Clint had not been keen on pouring his feelings out to a psychiatrist, but Fury had insisted. All official protocol, apparently. 

“It’s not girly or anything, just because it’s poetry,” he added defensively. “It’s the ancient Japanese art of haiku. Samurai were writing this stuff.” 

“I didn’t say it was girly,” Natasha said. “Actually, I rather liked the one about the spider.” Clint grinned at her. 

“You should see the one I wrote about your ass.” 

Natasha slapped him upside the head.

But then there was some kissing, so Clint called it a win.


	4. Nick Fury's Fairytale Theater

Once upon a time in a magical land called the United States of America, there was a brave and handsome prince named Nick Fury. Nick Fury was strong and smart and skillful, and he had a very stylish beard, and his head gleamed like polished vibranium. Nick Fury did not have hair on top of his head, because hair was too intimidated to stay there. You see, children Prince Nick Fury was a badass. And that’s even more important than being stylish or handsome. 

Prince Nick Fury was part of Shield, the Royal Protectors of the land of America, and he fought many battles for truth and justice and democracy and pizza and all those awesome things. He even sacrificed one of his eyes and had to wear an eye-patch, but that was okay. The eye-patch made him even more of a badass. 

Then, one day, Prince Nick Fury faced his biggest challenge yet. A magic portal opened and an evil wizard from space came through. This evil wizard was a pale, twitchy motherfucker named Loki, who – 

What’s that, young lady? You think an evil wizard from space coming out of a magic portal sounds a little ridiculous? Prince Nick Fury thought the same thing, but he still had to deal with it. Because guess what, kids, real life doesn’t give a shit if you think a situation is a little ridiculous. You still have to deal with it. 

Anyway, this Loki was a total asshole who disobeyed his parents and he didn’t eat his vegetables, and he - _interrupted people while they’re talking, sit down, son_ – and he had no respect for other people’s property. Loki liked to take things that weren’t his, and what Loki wanted to take was the world. Not just the magic land of America, but the entire world. And he stole a very powerful magic box. You shouldn’t steal things, children. 

What’s that, again? No, young lady, I don’t think the magic box is a MacGuffin, but you certainly know a lot of grown-up words, don’t you? How about you sit down politely so that I can finish the story? Thank you. 

Anyway, Prince Nick Fury knew he had to do something. So he summoned the most powerful knights in the land, a group called the Avengers. I’ll bet you kids know their names, don’t you? Yes, that’s right, there was Captain America, and the Hulk, and Iron Man, and – 

What? No, not Spiderman. We tried Spiderman, but he was on vacation or something. And – 

What? Who the fuck are the X-Men? No children, not the X-Men, but that was a good guess. Keep trying. 

Yes, the Hammer man. His name is Thor, but he is pretty much the hammer man. He’s also Loki’s brother, and it made him very sad to see Loki acting like such a jackass. That’s another reason to be good, children, you don’t want your family to be sad because you’re acting like a jackass. Now, two more Avengers, and that’s – 

What? Well, “the lame one,” and “the one with boobs” are Hawkeye and the Black Widow, son, and that’s a very disrespectful way to talk about them. Let’s all show respect, children. Loki was a bad guy because he didn’t have respect for anyone. We don’t want to be like Loki. 

So Prince Nick Fury called his team of knights together on his flying ship, and they all joined forces to try to stop Loki. But at first, it didn’t work. The knights weren’t used to working together as a team. They all wanted to do things their own way, and so they fought and got mad at each other. And Loki also had a magic scepter that was messing with people’s feelings, and – 

Young lady, I’ve just about had it up to here with you, so sit quietly and stop whispering the words “cheap plot device” to your friend over there. 

Anyway, because the Avengers got into a fight, Loki was able to get away. He went to New York City and used the magic box to open a portal to another galaxy. Yes, another portal. There are two portals in this story, okay? And Loki had a giant fucking army of nasty-looking aliens that came out of the portal and started wrecking New York. The Avengers saw what was happening, and they realized that they had to get their shit together. So they all stopped fighting, and they teamed up to fight Loki. 

It was an amazing battle, children. Thor was calling down lightening, and Captain America was throwing his shield everywhere. Iron Man was flying around and shooting missiles, and Hulk was smashing all the aliens. And Hawkeye and the Black Widow helped, too. 

In the end, of course Loki didn’t win. He was an evil motherfucker who didn’t understand respect or friendship or teamwork. He had no heart. And people without heart always lose, children. Hulk picked up Loki and smashed the shit out of him. Then Thor took Loki home, and their father spanked him and grounded him in his room with no TV forever. And the Black Widow closed the portal, and the alien army was defeated. The world was saved, and the Avengers had all learned an important lesson about friendship and teamwork. That’s why you should be like the Avengers, children. Cooperate, and work together, and don’t be afraid to stand up to any motherfucker who tries to take over the world. And that is how Prince Nick Fury and Shield take care of business. 

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Nick Fury sat back in his chair, surveying the fourth-grade class. 

“So, what do you say, children?” he concluded. 

“Motherfucker!” the children chorused, pumping their tiny fists. The teacher was sitting at her desk, face buried in her hands. 

“No, no, children,” Nick chided. “It’s ‘Go Avengers!’” 

“Go Avengers!” the children chanted with considerably less enthusiasm. Some still shouted “Motherfucker!” Nick grinned inside. This PR event at an elementary school had been forced upon him by his superiors, but he’d filled the children’s impressionable minds with enough profanity to make it a complete disaster. No one would ever waste his time with PR appearances again. Especially since he had a mysterious dictator in Latveria to deal with. And apparently he needed to start investigating some group called the “X-Men.”

Nick flipped out his cell phone as he left. He should probably warn Maria Hill that she’d be fielding a lot of calls from angry parents soon.


	5. HULK WRITE PRETTY STORY!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a line from Blazing Saddles in here. I'm sure people can find it.

HULK WRITE ABOUT FEELINGS. BUT HULK FINGERS TOO LARGE SMASH TYPING BOX. HULK SAD. HULK USE PENCIL AND PAPER BUT PENCIL TINY AND FRAGILE LIKE BABY BIRD IN HULK’S MASSIVE FIST. 

HULK USE PAINTBRUSH. PAINT ON BUILDING. ONLY BUILDING LARGE ENOUGH FOR HULK’S FEELINGS. 

ONCE UPON A TIME, MAN NAMED BRUCE. BRUCE HOLD ANGER DEEP INSIDE AND ANGER TURN TO HULK. THEN MAGIC CALLED GAMMA RADIATION LET HULK LOOSE. 

HULK LIVE INSIDE BRUCE FOR LONG TIME. BRUCE THINK HULK ENEMY. WRONG. HULK PROTECTOR. HULK FRIEND. HULK COME OUT SMASH ENEMY PROTECT BRUCE. 

BRUCE FRIGHTENED OF HULK. BRUCE ALWAYS FIGHT HULK INSIDE SO ONLY ONE CAN COME OUT AT ONCE.

BIG ADVENTURE START WHEN EVIL WIZARD COME FROM SPACE. EVIL WIZARD ACT LIKE BIG GOD BUT ACTUALLY PUNY GOD. PUNY GOD’S ARROGANCE LEAD TO DOWNFALL LIKE IN SHAKESPEREAN TRAGEDY. PUNY GOD WANT TO TAKE WORLD. 

BRUCE JOIN GROUP OF HEROES TO STOP PUNY GOD. HEROES SHOULD BE FRIENDS BUT FIGHT AT FIRST. SITUATION VERY TENSE. BRUCE ANGRY AND SCARED. THEN PUNY GOD COME ON BOARD FLYING SHIP AND LOOK AT BRUCE LIKE A TIGER LOOK AT PIECE OF MEAT. IT MAKE BRUCE ANGRY AND HORNY. HULK ALSO ANGRY AND HORNY. HULK VERY CLOSE TO SURFACE.  
THEN EXPLOSIONS ON FLYING SHIP! LOUD NOISES MAKE BRUCE SCARED. HULK COME OUT. HULK SMASH EVERYTHING TO MAKE LOUD NOISES STOP. 

THIS NOT GOOD PLAN.

HULK FALL FROM FLYING SHIP LIKE ICARUS WITH MELTING WINGS. HULK THINK IMPORTANT METAPHOR IN THERE SOMEWHERE BUT HULK NOT SURE.

HULK LAND IN WAREHOUSE AND GO TO SLEEP. BRUCE COME BACK OUT AND TALK TO OLD MAN. 

THEN BRUCE THINK. THINK THINK THINK. BRUCE REALIZE THAT HULK CAN BE FRIEND. HE STOP FIGHTING HULK INSIDE. THEY TRAVEL TO CITY TOGETHER.

CITY DESTROYED BY BAD ALIENS. BRUCE LETS HULK OUT AGAIN BUT THINGS ARE DIFFERENT. BRUCE AND HULK WORK TOGETHER. COME OUT TOGETHER. HULK NOT SMASH EVERYTHING, ONLY SMASH WHAT BRUCE SAY TO SMASH. HULK NOW CAN TELL FRIEND FROM FOE.

THEN HULK MEET PUNY GOD. PUNY GOD SCREAM LIKE NAUGHTY CHILD BUT IS NOT CHILD. HULK NO SMASH CHILDREN. HULK ONLY SMASH NAUGHTY GOD WHO WRECK CITY. 

HULK SMASH! SMASHSMASHSMASHSMASHSSMASH!!!!!

HULK GET CARRIED AWAY. 

PUNY GOD LIE STILL MAKE WHALE NOISES. 

THEN HULK CATCH IRON MAN FALLING FROM SKY. HULK CATCH HIM GENTLY LIKE METAL BUTTERFLY.

FIGHT OVER BUT CITY DESTROYED. HULK FEEL LOSS OF PURPOSE. HULK’S FISTS ONLY GOOD FOR SMASHING BUT NOW TIME FOR SMASHING IS OVER. NOW TIME FOR BUILDING. HULK GO BACK INSIDE BRUCE. 

BRUCE EAT SHAWARMA. HULK WANT SHAWARMA BUT HULK BACK INSIDE.

HULK ONLY PAWN IN GAME OF LIFE. 

____________________________________________________________________________________________

“There’s a lot of intelligence there, actually. A surprising amount,” said Agent Coulson, leaning on his crutches. He was only a few days out of the hospital and back on light duty. He and Bruce were surveying the Hulk’s handiwork, painted across a ruined factory wall. Bruce wasn’t even sure where Hulk had gotten the paint, but he didn’t really want to think about it.

“I don’t know,” Bruce mused. “That Icarus metaphor is pretty strained.” 

“The fact that he even knows what a metaphor is shows that there is more of you inside than there was before,” Coulson countered. 

“I guess,” Bruce sighed. It was true, he had a lot more control over the Big Guy since the battle in New York. But the Big Guy still got out sometimes, and now Bruce needed a new laptop. 

“Shield is going to demolish that wall, right?” he added. 

“Oh sure,” Coulson assured him. Bruce nodded. He especially wanted the words “angry and horny” to disappear as fast as possible.


	6. Loki's Libelous Lies

The Avengers were assembled around the breakfast table in Stark Tower, wearing expressions that ranged from amusement to fury. Bruce in particular was having trouble holding it together, nails digging into his palms. 

“Of all the fucking nerve,” he growled between clenched teeth. 

“Easy, big guy,” Steve soothed, putting a hand on his shoulder. “No one reads this trash, anyway.” 

“I do,” Tony piped up, just to be difficult. 

“No one important reads this stuff,” Natasha countered. A dangerous green was flickering in Bruce’s eyes. 

Scattered across the table were several copies of the National Enquirer, one for every member of the team, sent special delivery that morning. Several attention-grabbing headlines leaped up from the cover: 

“Exclusive Interview with Loki Laufeyson! Misunderstood Genius Tells All!” 

“Kidnapped as a Child – Raised Among the Enemy!”

“I Was Mind-Controlled – the Truth About the Chitari Invasion!” 

“Secrets and Scandal in the House of Odin!”

“Avengers – the Real Dirt on So-Called Heroes!” 

Tony chuckled as he flipped through. The Enquirer had apparently dedicated a full issue to Loki, because that shit was on every single page. The only segments not trashing the Avengers was an article on Director Fury’s recent PR appearance at an elementary school (“Motherfucker – A Secret Illuminati Code-Word? What Shield is Teaching Our Children!”), and an odd editorial in the back by one J. Jonah Jameson (“Spider-Man: Worse than Loki!”). 

“This is pathetic,” Natasha was saying, scanning through the tabloid. “Is this really the best he can do? Just a load of sad, petty, bullshit – What? I do _not_ dye my hair! Clint, did you tell Loki that I dye my hair?!” She threw the paper down, fuming. 

“What? No! Yes! Maybe! I was mind-controlled!” Clint stammered. “Look, there’s terrible stuff about me in here, too.” He pointed to an article in which Loki was quoted describing how he’d used the mind-control to improve Hawkeye’s posture, diction, eating habits and general hygiene. 

“I do not dye my hair,” Natasha muttered. “I just highlight it a little.”

“Uh, guys?” Steve put in, starting to back away from Bruce. 

“Ha! I knew that wasn’t natural!” Tony cackled. 

“At least I’m not doing it to cover grey patches,” Natasha shot back.

“Guys!” Steve repeated, a little more frantic. 

“Who does that? I don’t know anyone who does that,” Tony said, running a self-conscious hand over his not entirely natural dark hair. 

Suddenly, a green fist slammed down on the table, shattering the top and sending food, dishes, and Enquirer copies flying in all directions. 

“HULK MAD!” The Big Guy roared, as the other Avengers scattered to far corners of the room. “STORY CONTAIN OBVIOUS BIAS AND IMPROPER FACT CHECKING! HULK QUESTION JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY!” 

“Okay….okay, Big Guy,” Steve said, inching forward cautiously, hands held up in a gesture of peace. “We’re all mad about this, but it’s just words –“ 

“WORDS POWERFUL! WORDS CAN LEAVE DEEP PSYCHOLOGICAL SCARS!”

“No need to wreck my breakfast nook, though,” Tony said, sidling along the wall towards Secret Spare Suit Closet # 3. “It’s just a bunch of lies. We all know that.”

“Yes,” Thor agreed. “My brother is the god of lies, and thus he spreads disharmony wherever he goes. This is just more of his wickedness!” 

“Right, Thor, lies,” Clint agreed. “Like that story about you in a dress.” 

“What? Where?!” Thor plucked an issue off the floor and rifled through, tearing pages in his haste. 

“Listen, Bruce. Hulk. Buddy…Tony set up that extra-special gym for you with reinforced walls. Let’s go there and spar a little, okay? Work out this anger in a healthy way,” Steve offered, bravely willing to be Hulk’s punching bag to spare the team. He was the only one who could take it, anyway, he or Thor – and Thor seemed to be having some kind of fit, staring at the Enquirer, face scarlet. 

“YES,” the Hulk agreed. “HULK WORK ON RELAXATION TECHNIQUE.” Steve breathed a sigh of relief that there seemed to be more Bruce in there than Other Guy, and led him out the door. 

Just in time, as Thor was now swearing, ripping the Enquirer to shreds. 

“Villain! Trickster! Deceiver! Conniving snake!” Thor shouted, and actually began to jump up and down on the pieces like a cartoon character. 

“Whoa, what’s this all about?” Tony asked. “We just got rid of one berserker, and I don’t need any more damage done in here.” 

“Page 16,” Natasha said, tossing a copy over to Tony. 

Tony flipped through, past pages of Loki’s sob story about his capture and torture by the Chitari, and a two-page spread about his plans to be Earth’s benevolent dictator (choice quotes: “Green energy! Universal healthcare! Quality education for all!”), and finally found page 16: “Stories from a Royal Childhood: The Embarrassing Secrets Prince Thor Doesn’t Want You to Know!” A particularly good photo-shop job had put Thor’s head on a wedding gown model. Based on the caption, it was apparently part of some scheme to win his hammer back from a giant. Tony put a hand over his mouth so Thor couldn’t hear him snicker. 

“C’mon Thor,” Clint was saying. “Loki’s full of shit. We all know that.” 

“Yes,” Tony agreed hastily. “Nothing but lies, lies, lies. That guy wouldn’t know truth if it Hulk-smashed him into the floor.” He’d just flipped past a page labeled “Tony Stark’s Dirty Fantasies,” with a very familiar piece of erotic fiction printed on it. Pepper would have his head for this, if Natasha didn’t take it first. 

“Indeed, Loki is never honest,” Thor agreed, having thankfully stopped jumping up and down. “He does not mention here that he accompanied me on that very adventure, and wore a dress as well! Why, he played a woman’s part far better than I!” 

“Wait….you’re saying this actually happened?” Natasha asked. 

“What? No! Yes! Maybe! It was Loki’s idea!” Thor stammered. His face reddened again and he kicked the wall, leaving a crack. 

Tony turned his back and pretended to cough, hoping not to get flung out of his tower by another angry Norse god. 

“I’ve stayed my hand before out of love, brother,” Thor was growling to himself. “But no more! Thou hast crossed the line! There shall be a reckoning for this! I shall go to this…media….and tell all of Midgard of the time you had sex with a horse!” There was a moment of silence before Clint spoke. 

“Seriously?” 

“Aye!” Thor said, starting to grin now. “And he became pregnant and bore a fine eight-legged steed that my father now rides. It is a most amusing tale!”

“Do tell,” said Natasha. Now that Hulk was gone, they all started to assemble around the shattered breakfast table again.

“Jarvis, go ahead and record this,” Tony said. “I’ll go put some more coffee on. Thor, you sit down and tell us all the ‘amusing tales’ about your brother that you know. I have a feeling some of them may just leak out to the press before the day is done.”


End file.
